It was a smasher.
I felt like I died and came back.
It was a free fall that never hit bottom.
I was released from my body
and felt intense fear like never before
and then it was so warm and comforting
almost in the blink of an eye
and I am sorting through it all and
I think I found some critical insight
I have always pushed for control
control in my situation
control in the narrative
control in the outcome
control that
caused me to be tense, demanding, but
In that experience I had no control. It was taken from me.
That is what caused me the intense fear for a few moments
I wanted to be a good boy.
The phrase kept coming in and out of my head.
but I couldn’t control that either
and I couldn’t always be good
life happened
and it left me with disfunction
that has caused heartache and havoc
in my relationships
and
that isn’t what I wanted
and this experience
taught me that it’s okay to be out of control.
in fact it is required
to control is to be a God
and I am not
so instead I need to let go
and be okay with being out of control
I felt intense energy outside of myself.
It wasn’t God but sure felt like what came from him.
and I felt intense energy from within me
but I wasn’t in my body at that moment
but it was still an energy from within my bodiless form
and in some sort of bodiless way I felt a connection between those two energies
that was life giving and sustaining to my potential
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